Seasonal Depression Sucks
I keep trying to start this post and I just don’t know what I need to say, but I know I need to say something, to get it out of my head so I can address it.
I’ve been MIA from all my social spaces for a few weeks, now. I swing between feeling almost catatonic and apathetic to raw and anxious. My instinct is to hide it- if no one can see it, maybe it isn’t real. Which I know isn’t the healthiest of coping mechanisms, but right now it’s all I have. I suspect that it’s the seasonal depression messing with my head, but it’s like someone went back in time and just vanished my spoon supply for a few months all at once. So I’m doing my best to put one foot in front of the other, and hopefully when the winter eases up I’ll be able to think about the stressful task of finding a behavioral/cognitive therapist I can work with, and paying for it, without feeling like I’m going to break out in hives or something.
I’ve been diligent about taking my medication, and I know it’s working because I can see seasonal shit for what it is, and I know that it’ll recede to a more manageable level. It’s not even hope, something my depression has long robbed me of, it’s a concrete certainty which is a bit of a relief- even as shitty as I feel right now I know I’ll get out.
Aside from the meds I’ve been focusing on physical, concrete tasks that I can see progress in. Last week Dad rented a carpet cleaner and we deep cleaned my bedroom carpet, and I rearranged my room. I’m still putting things away, but one major change is that my desk faces into my room now, instead of the wall, and I’m right next to one of my windows. It’s a nice change, and it’s already helping me not feel so mindlessly glued to my computer. I’m also poking at a different kind of journal project, since I found my line-a-day journaling tedious. It’s somewhere between a journal, a scrapbook, and a photo album. I’m going to take photos and other mementos (ticket stubs, brochures, cards, etc) and make what amounts to a scrapbook page with them, but I’ll be including a journal entry, talking about the experience and the memories. They also won’t be in any kind of specific order- I have lots of childhood memories I want to get written down, and those will be interspersed with things as I do them, and I’ll probably leave intermittent pages blank to fill in later. I’ve been collecting up various bits that I want to include, and today a handful of photos came in the mail that I got printed from my iPhone. (I used Printicular; they are very inexpensive, but the app is annoying. It kept glitching when I was selecting my photos, and when I thought I finally put through an order for like 6 photos, I ended up getting all the glitched orders, which was 62 photos with a bunch of duplicates. Still, it was all under $15, including shipping, so.) (This shot of sleepy Gwen is one I got printed.) I’m planning to make the book from scratch; right now the only thing left to do is figure out what size I want the pages to be so I can get the paper and start folding signatures.
So. I’m still here, and working on doing what I can, and hopefully I will be more here soon. (I… don’t even know if that makes sense but there it is.)