Religious Calendar stuff.
SatSekhem recently posted about her calendar building work, and it got me thinking about the work I’ve recently done on my own calendar project. (Which I mentioned briefly here.) So I thought I’d talk about it a little. (As usual, I rambled. This is a long one, folks.) I’m not sure it’ll be interesting or useful to anyone else, but who knows.
Some background. Like SatSekhem, I spent years trying to squish myself into the calendar system of other religions, with no success. High school was my Wheel of the Year phase, largely because I didn’t know other pagan religions existed- Wicca was all I could find. I felt some connection to the solstices and equinoxes- I knew they were important, but the Wiccan framework just didn’t do anything for me. I held onto the Celtic derived cross-quarter days as I lost the Wiccan label and tried to be a proper Celtic pagan, but I struggled, particularly once I realized that I was never going to be strictly Celtic. A few more years of flailing, which brings us up to date: a place where I finally feel like I’ve got a handle on things.
The calendar is a work in progress. It has two portions: the fixed half, which uses the modern Gregorian calendar, and the moveable half, which uses astronomical cues (rising of stars, lunar phases, solstices and equinoxes) or floating dates on a cultural calendar.
Each month in the fixed calendar is dedicated to one of the Twelve (my path’s pantheon). I’ve listed the reasoning for each of the holiday dates, but how to celebrate them is something I’m still working out (and expect to be working on through 2013.) I have ideas for most of them, just nothing formalized. This is a long list- I’ve included Beloved Dead holidays, which I think most people omit when they share their calendars, but I wanted to give a complete view of what I’m doing/what I’m planning on doing.
January is for Djehuty, the creator of the Kemetic calendar.
- Heb Djehuty, January 1-3; Djehuty’s month.
- the First Day, January 1; cultural New Year (American).
- Justine’s Day, January 1; Beloved Dead’s birthday.
- Richard’s Night, January 2; Beloved Dead’s deathday.
- Richard’s Day, January 12; Beloved Dead’s birthday.
- J’s Night, January 15; Beloved Dead’s deathday.
- Dorothy’s Day, January 18; Beloved Dead’s birthday.
- Ustav Saraswati, January 25; same date as Hindu festival Vasant Panchami. I got the date from a Hindu calendar which was standardized to fit the Gregorian calendar, but if it doesn’t feel right when I mark it next year, it will probably move over to the moveable calendar.
February is for Brighid, the traditional month of her holiday, Imbolc.
- Féile Brighid, February 1-3; Brighid’s month.
- Féile Naomh Bríd, February 1; traditional date for Saint Brid in Christian General Roman calendar.
- Clement’s Day, February 6; Beloved Dead’s birthday.
- F’s Night, February 15; Beloved Dead’s deathday.
- Laura’s Night, February 15; Beloved Dead’s deathday.
- Opening Night, February 18; significant to Beloved Dead.
March is for Dionysos, for the ‘March Madness’ connotations and proximity to his holiday, Anthesteria. (Which is not on my calendar, yet.)
- Heortai Dionysos, March 1-3; Dionysos’ month.
- Joseph’s Night, March 1; Beloved Dead deathday.
- Ralph’s Night, March 9; Beloved Dead deathday.
- Julia’s Day, March 17; Beloved Dead birthday.
- Festum Sanctus Ioseph, March 19; traditional date for Saint Joseph in Christian General Roman calendar.
- Joseph’s Day, March 19; Beloved Dead birthday.
- Festum Sanctus Maria, March 25; traditional date for the Annunciation in Christian General Roman calendar.
April is for Hetharu, a month with a number of her festivals in the Kemetic calendar.
- Heb Hetharu, April 1-3; Hetharu’s month.
- Heortai Ilion, April 9-16; pretty tenuous/arbitrary, derived from dating astrological phenomenon mentioned in the Odyssey.
- Vigil of Lifeboat Six, April 14-15; sinking of the Titanic.
- Donna’s Day, April 29; Beloved Dead birthday.
- Justine’s Night, April 29; Beloved Dead deathday.
May is for the Dagda, the traditional month for Bealtaine, which I associate with him because of the fertility aspect.
- Féile Dagda, May 1-3; Dagda’s month.
- Shadow’s Day, May 1; Beloved Dead birthday.
- Féile Naomh Breandán, May 16; traditional date for Saint Brendan in Christian General Roman calendar.
- Fête Sainte Jehanne d’Arc, May 30; traditional date for Saint Joan of Arc in Christian General Roman calendar.
June is for Hermes, a month which was always in-between to me: summer but not summer vacation, school but very focused, vacation, marriages.
- Heortai Hermes, June 1-3; Hermes’ month.
- Ralph’s Day, June 1; Beloved Dead birthday.
- Dorothy’s Night, June 2; Beloved Dead deathday.
- Wiesbaden’s Founding Day (1815), June 9; civic birthday.
- Archie’s Day, June 23; Beloved Dead birthday.
- Seymour’s Founding Day (1850), June 24; civic birthday.
July is for Seshat, which is entirely because she is Djehuty’s partner in my pantheon (note- partner is not consort/spouse/etc).
- Heb Seshat, July 1-3; Seshat’s month.
- Margot’s Day, July 2; Beloved Dead birthday.
- Orie’s Day, July 7; Beloved Dead birthday.
- Peter’s Day, July 10; Beloved Dead birthday.
- Archie’s Night, July 15; Beloved Dead deathday.
August is for Lugh, the traditional month of his holiday, Lughnasadh.
- Féile Lugh, August 1-3; Lugh’s month.
- Feast of the Forgotten Dead, August 1; as the birth and death dates are obviously lost to people whose names have been lost, I decided to give them my birthday.
- Katherine’s Day, August 20; Beloved Dead birthday.
- Thelma’s Day, August 20; Beloved Dead birthday.
- Ustav Sri Ganesha, August 26; same date as the Hindu festival Ganesh Chaturthi. I got the date from a Hindu calendar which was standardized to fit the Gregorian calendar, but if it doesn’t feel right when I mark it next year, it will probably move over to the moveable calendar.
- Donna’s Night, August 29; Beloved Dead deathday.
September is for Athene, a month I associate with the beginning of the school year and traditional routines.
- Heortai Athene, September 1-3; Athene’s month.
- Margot’s Night, September 16; Beloved Dead deathday.
- Thelma’s Night, September 24; Beloved dead deathday.
- Laura’s Day, September 30; Beloved Dead birthday.
- Shadow’s Night, September 30; Beloved Dead deathday.
October is for Setekh, because it’s the month of Halloween and tends to be odd for me.
- Heb Setekh, October 1-3; Setekh’s month.
- Clement’s Night, October 7; Beloved Dead deathday.
- Julia’s Night, October 17; Beloved Dead deathday.
- Katherine’s Night, October 21; Beloved Dead deathday.
November is for the Morrigan, the traditional month of Samhain, which I associate with her because of the thin veil.
- Féile Morrigan, November 1-3; Morrigan’s month.
- Orie’s Night, November 10; Beloved Dead deathday.
- Senta’s Day, November 15; Beloved Dead birthday.
- Senta’s Night, November 18; Beloved Dead deathday.
- Peter’s Night, November 20; Beloved dead deathday.
December is for Hekate, as it’s the end of the calendar year.
- Heortai Hekate, December 1-3; Hekate’s month.
- Festum Iesus, December 25; traditional date of the Nativity in Christian General Roman calendar.
- the Last Night, December 31; cultural New Year’s Eve (American).
Those are the definite days. I have seven other saints who I have not yet determined if I’ll be working with or not- I still need to make some preliminary offerings and do some divination. Same goes for five US presidents and two other major Founders. Also fourteen different secular observance dates (Earth Day, etc.) that may turn into days I make offerings to one or more of the Twelve.
So, the moveable calendar. Again, I’ve listed the reasoning behind the dates, but the how-to-celebrate stuff is still a work in progress.
Astronomical dates are based on observable astronomical phenomena.
- “March Equinox”, March Equinox; still working on a name for this one- I know it’s important to the Star Cow but I haven’t figured out how, just yet, and until I have that I won’t have a name.
- Khahg Moshe, full moon after March Equinox; same date as the beginning of Jewish Pesach. Moses being one of the Abrahamics I venerate, it seemed like an appropriate date.
- Festum Maria Magdalene, first Sunday after Khahg Moshe; same date as Christian Easter. I have UPG regarding Mary Magdalene and the Crucifiction, and it seemed like the most appropriate date for her.
- Féile Déithe/Bealtaine, midpoint between March Equinox and June Solstice, 5 days; cultural New Year (Celtic). (Unlike most Celtic pagans I know, I don’t consider Samhain to be the beginning of the year.)
- “June Solstice”, June Solstice; still working on a name for this one too. Holiday for the Small Folk. The observably fertile earth is strongly connected with the land spirits for me.
- Heortai Theoi, June Solstice, 5 days; cultural New Year (Hellenic.) The Athenian calendar began the first month of the new year on the observed new moon following the summer solstice, but they didn’t really have a new year celebration as such, so I made my own. I also need to know the date so I can correctly place the Athenian months for Hellenic moveable holidays.
- Heb Netjer/Wep Renpet, heliacal rising of Sirius, 5 days; cultural New Year (Kemetic.) This is calculated off of my location, not Egypt. Again, I need to know the date of the new year so I can correctly place the Egyptian months for moveable holidays.
- “September Equinox”, September Equinox; the same as the March Equinox- important to the Star Cow but I’m not sure how yet.
- “Solstice Supper”, December Equinox; derived from Ms. Graveyard Dirt’s Holy Supper, but I’m waffling on the name. Holiday for the Beloved Dead.
Kemetic dates are based on the dates I can find in the various Kemetic calendars, with the new months starting on the new moon, beginning on the first new moon after Heb Netjer/Wep Renpet. I use the season names instead of month names, numbering each month in the season, for simplicity.
- the Beautiful Festival of the Valley, 2 Shemu 1; date per Shafer’s Religion in Ancient Egypt and Kiya’s post. Falls on 20 May in 2012, 9 May in 2013.
I have 12 more moveable holidays I haven’t added yet, as they’re deity-specific and I want to hold off on adding more deity holidays until I’ve covered all the entities I work with and have decided what holidays are really important to me. I also have four secular observances that have moveable dates (Mother’s Day, etc.) that might turn into deity holidays.
Entities I work with on some level- or have already confirmed I should work with but haven’t started yet- that aren’t represented on my calendar yet include: the Junior Horae and the Elder Horae (my terms- there are two distinct groupings called the Horae, one being attested earlier than the other, but I’m supposed to be working with both), the Moirae (I may have located a traditional offering date, but I need to actually read the Ancient Greek inscription instead of the interpretations that couldn’t care less about the dates), Delphyne, the Korykiai, the Kharites, and the Mousai. And though I technically have the June solstice for the Small Folk, I would like a holiday(s) that isn’t so… generic/fluffily-inclined, especially since I’m remembering/honoring 14 different tribes. (I’m not attempting to practice NA/FN spirituality, I just want to honor the land spirits of the places I know my family has lived, that has shaped us, and that is inextricably tied up in the tribes who first contacted them.)
There are also a handful of holidays with great personal relevance, but I’m not sure they belong in a religious context. I’m trying to figure out where modern myth fits in, honestly. Stories are very important to me, and I think that certain ones reveal the truth of the universe, the truth of human existence, which is strongly a religious subject in my opinion, but… I don’t know. I guess it makes me feel a bit silly. So I’m trying to work that out.
I believe that covers everything? 
Various things.
- My seasonal allergies are in full swing and worse this year than they ever have been in my life. I am choking as I try to breathe and constantly dizzy. Regular decongestants have been of no help; I’m now attempting Zyrtec.
- My friend Karen from TC has been in a really rough patch for a while now. She and her husband are both unemployed, both looking for work constantly and coming up empty. Her daughter has been struggling with mental illness for quite a while and recently fell/jumped off a balcony, the repercussions of which they are trying to deal with. His two daughters are having their own issues, plus the drama brought in from his ex. And now it looks like they’re going to lose the house. So Stephy has set up a ChipIn to try to help save the house, and if any of you readers here could give even a dollar it would be very deeply appreciated. I know most of you probably don’t even know her, but she’s a really wonderful person who is absolutely worthy of any help you can give.
- I redid my Projects page and I am pleased with it. It makes me realize how little I’ve gotten done on that front, though! My day-to-day stuff, which is not listed there, is going a bit better. (I call it Project Unfuck My Life.) I’ve been steadily getting little stuff, like the dishwasher and tidying and such, done on a consistent basis, which makes me feel better.
- I actually wrote yesterday! For the first time in too long. It wasn’t much, but it’s better than nothing. It’s odd, writing in first person present tense, when in the past I’ve always written third person limited past tense. I’m envisioning the scene in my head like I’m in her shoes, and I like how it’s coming out, even if I haven’t gotten very far yet. I did the math and I’m averaging about 250 words per page, since I’m handwriting draft 1. To hit about 100,000 words I’ll need about 400 pages. It’s kind of daunting, but I’m trying to focus on just one page at a time. I’m not going to type anything up for a while, because I instinctively revise when I type, and I want to get the whole first draft done before I start messing around. Editing mid-writing has thus far been a downward spiral for me, so I want to avoid it entirely if I can.
- I can’t believe it’s May already. The days just seem to be flying by. This weekend is my grandmother’s birthday party, where I’ll be meeting one of my mother’s cousins from FL for the first time. Mother’s Day in the US is the weekend after. The weekend after that we’re doing a big tag sale which I really hope will be successful because I only want to have to cart that crap around once. The weekend after that I’m in NC for Animazement, and the weekend after that it’s June.
- We keep getting cold drizzles and it’s annoying the crap out of me. I would like a proper downpour, please. No drippy drizzly foggy bullshit. Proper rain!
- I have the itch to craft, but I really need to get some of the tag-sale stuff listed on Etsy first. I have trouble with crafts that I can’t finish in a single day, largely due to space- I have nowhere to safely store unfinished projects. Though having just said that, it occurs to me that the shelf over my hearth is too high for the cats to reach, and as it’s entirely out of the way it won’t get cluttered with my day-to-day junk, either. I’ll have to move the storage bins off of it.
I think it is time for a nap, as I can’t keep my eyes open.
PBP: I is for Imbalance
(This is going to be a short one because I’m not feeling well.) (Or I will ramble as usual.)
Balance has never been a strong point of mine. Maybe it’s the depression, or the ADD, or being raised by a manic-depressive. Or maybe I’m just wired to be off-kilter. It doesn’t really matter, I don’t think, why my natural rhythm is one of imbalance, but awareness of the fact. If balance is something I want to attain- which I do- how do I go about it?
The first thing is to recognize that balance does not equal equality. A balanced life is not one where equal measures of time are dedicated to each pursuit, because not every pursuit needs the same attention and time. A balanced life is where every pursuit is in proper proportion.
Additionally, it’s a matter of priorities. People spend lots of time on things that are unimportant to them, simply because they do not bother to think about it. What makes me feel whole, fulfilled, productive, proud? What makes me feel lethargic, wasteful, unhappy? Unpleasant chores cannot be avoided in their entirety, but intelligent and thoughtful use of time and effort can certainly minimize them.
Balance has been on my mind a lot this past week, in more ways than one. In a very literal sense, my allergies have been getting worse every spring, and this year I am so congested that I literally lean to the left to not feel like I’m going to fall on my face. My equilibrium is shot. I have not had a proper activity/rest balance in… my whole life? I brought books to recess instead of running around; I didn’t play any sports; repetitive exercise of the gym variety bores me.
It’s also been on my mind with regard to my time management skills, or lack thereof. My internet access went down on the morning of the 24th, and was intermittent for days, until it finally went off completely; four IT techs, three phone techs, a new modem, and all new lines later and I’m back online. But those first few days I spent getting very little accomplished, persistently refreshing my browser to see if I could get back on. This …well, desperation for access was partially because I am probably addicted to the internet, but also more consciously because after my reading on the 23rd (and commentary on TC by members whose insight I respect) I decided I needed to find some new motivation for my transcription coursework (or fake motivation, if necessary). And then the internet went down for a week. (Screw you, universe.)
I know what things in my life need balance. I need more physical activity, nutritional food and sunshine to balance my tendency to sit in front of a computer. I need to live my faith, to fill in the gaping hole in my heart. I need to engage my mind with fiction and academia, to balance my tendency to watch rote procedural television and my mindless internet wanderings. I need to balance indulgence with productivity, idleness with creativity.
What in your life needs to be balanced? How do you maintain it?
23 April ’12
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[1] Experience image: Ashely Herrin.
[2] Heka image: creator unknown, found on tumblr.
[3] Enlightened image: creator unknown, found on tumblr.
DN: 23 April ’12
About work. Not all that interesting to anyone but me, but private posts annoy me, as do password protected ones. Shadowscapes deck.
Give up on transcription:
- V The Hierophant
- XVII The Star
- Knight of Swords
Tells me that I have to hold onto my dream, even if it doesn’t end up being the one I expected. I will regain hope and inspiration. But I will have to be focused, fearless, doubtless; I can’t let emotion or chaos get in my way.
Push through and finish transcription:
- I The Magician
- Knight of Cups
- Ace of Pentacles
Tells me that I will gain skill and confidence, and the ability to change my world. Possibility for strong emotional fluctuations and depression? (I’m a bit confused by the knight.) EDIT: Jenett’s suggestion makes sense, the more I think about it: Emotional healing/wholeness derived from having completed a major project. I have the chance to be prosperous and secure, but I’ll only get what I put into it.
If I give up on transcription and focus on crafting alone:
- Seven of Wands
Tells me that it will be a constant fight, and I’ll have to be very flexible and focused. This wasn’t my plan anyway.
If I give up on transcription and focus on crafting and add in part time retail when I move:
- Judgement
Tells me I will have to face hard choices, but I’ll have a chance at a new beginning.
If I give up on transcription and do something entirely different, and what that would entail:
- Three of Pentacles
- Knight of Pentacles
Tells me the “entirely different” will be teamwork related, and I will have to be thorough, patient and intensely focused.
Me overall:
- Page of Cups
“The Page of Cups is sentimental. She is a true romantic at heart, and in a world that is filled with so much noise and bustle, she longs for the time and space to simply breathe and to truly take in the pleasures that abound. She listens to the still voice from deep inside that speaks with understanding and intuition, and she longs to believe in the impossible.”
No shit, Sherlock.
DC and Other Ramblings
(This turned out to be longer than I anticipated. Sorry!)
I went to DC last weekend, but this is the first real opportunity I’ve had to sit down and get my thoughts out. We (Mom, Mark & I) left on Friday, around 3:30pm. This was a mistake. Traffic was awful, and Dad spent most of the time swearing. We got to the hotel at 11:30ish and collapsed into bed. It’s a nice hotel- the Residence Inn by Marriott in Bethesda. It was only a block from the metro, which was nice.
Saturday we went to the parade and matsuri (street fair). The parade was neat, though I was confused by a few of the balloons (Miss Piggy and Scooby-Doo. Really?) I have some pictures that Mom took on my camera- as soon as my battery is recharged I’ll dig through and find the good ones. :pink: After that we walked over to the matsuri. It was packed and there only seemed to be three kinds of booths: food, really cheap anime crap, and vintage kimono in various states of care. Well- I saw more haori than kimono, honestly. I got a peach haori that’s very pretty, and a red and white shibori nagoya obi with a sakura design. I wore kimono, too- my pink komon with the abstract/minimalist peacock design. I wore my black mofuku nagoya obi (I really need a dark obi that isn’t mofuku) and I got several complements and a few pictures. There was a variety of kimono-clad people at the matsuri; the only properly dressed people I saw were Japanese. There was one girl I’ve seen at Katsucon before (I actually met her when she was inquiring about collecting kimono and didn’t own any yet) and her kitsuke reminded me of my early kitsuke. Which… isn’t a compliment, but we all start somewhere. At some point I will look back on my current kitsuke and cringe. It takes practice.
After the matsuri we went back to the hotel and I changed- I had worn my wooden geta which was a mistake- and my long skirt got eaten by the escalator. I was not pleased. Half the bottom hem was covered in thick black greasy gunk. It took forever to clean off, and there’s still some stain that I can’t get rid of. We went to a restaurant that I’d been to in National Harbor- and finally ate. It was very good, and our waiter was from Chatham! He admonished me for not having been to the Cape in about a decade, which is something I dearly want to rectify. (Next summer, hopefully.) We walked past Ford’s Theater (it was the anniversary of Lincoln’s shooting) and Dad was put out that there wasn’t anyone there but us. We then walked down to the White House and Mom dragged us into the White House gift shop (which was surprisingly a first for all of us.) I got a pink cherry blossom festival baseball cap. After some ice cream from a different tourist trap, we hopped the metro back to the hotel.
Sunday. We checked out, walked to the metro (both Mom and I were wearing long skirts, so we were very mindful of all the escalators) and parted ways- Mom and I had tickets to the Alice in Wonderland ballet at the Kennedy Center and Dad went to Arlington to look at Kennedy’s grave and such. The ballet was my first, and I really enjoyed it. The costuming was interesting- some I really liked (the White Rabbit, the Queen of Hearts, the Caterpillar) and some I really didn’t. (Alice’s looked like a Halloween costume I saw for sale at Hot Topic last year.) The story wasn’t completely in order, and it grabbed some pieces from the second book and changed the trial, but overall it was fun. The flamingo dance- part of the Caucus Race- was really neat, and in several parts they had little kids in fluffy costumes come out and dance, which was awesome. I think the flamingo dance, and the card dance (just before the croquet game) were my favorites, because they were large ensembles. The dances that consisted mostly of just one dancer- like the Dodo’s, and the Joker’s (I think he was meant to replace the Knave) were well executed (the same dancer played both, and he was immensely talented), but not as interesting. The Hatter’s makeup seemed to be trying to emulate Depp’s Hatter from Burton’s movie. I got swag- more than I should have, but Mom was both enthusiastic and insistent. Our seats were fairly nice, too. They were some of the last available- they were technically handicapped, so we had our own little “box” and actual individual seats that moved. No one’s heads in front of us, no one on either side… there were a couple times that the action took place in the back part of the stage on our side so that the angle obscured our view, but only twice that I can recall, and otherwise we had a great view. (9th row from the front.) Afterwards we met up with Dad, got back to the car, and started the drive home.
Which was about as unpleasant as the drive down. Long, lots of traffic. One stupid toll that required EZ Pass or exact change- in change- only. And Mom had been feeling sick the whole weekend and it finally got to her on the drive, too.
If I’m able to go next year, I’d like to go on a tour of the blossoms (when they’re actually still blooming), but the matsuri was pretty neat, I have to say.
Other stuff in my life right now. Hrm.
Well, on Thursday Mom and I began the Great Purging of the Attic. The attic has not been cleaned/sorted since we moved in, which was in 1992. Twenty years. We put stuff up since then, and holiday items have come up and down every year, but there were boxes and boxes and boxes of stuff that hadn’t been touched in a decade at the least. Plus there was stuff from Mom & Roy’s divorce that got set aside for me. My everything hurts. We got everything except the empty boxes (Mark’s mostly, I believe) and Xmas down on Thursday and Friday, and all but a few bins of clothing has been sorted through. There is a crapload of stuff. Luckily, a solid half- if not more- is going to the tag sale at the end of next month, and we probably threw out another quarter.
Orville’s upset stomach destroyed my “computer chair”, which is part of the reason I haven’t been at my computer much; I am currently sitting on a nightstand, because I have no other options at the moment. We have a few wooden chairs in the basement, but we have mold problems and I am not keen on bringing that into my living and breathing space. I may steal a chair from the kitchen table since we haven’t sat there in a decade at least.
I have also been under a wave of self-loathing with regard to my coursework. I have been trying and trying and the fact is that I am a terrible transcriptionist. I type slowly, I backspace a lot, I instinctively paraphrase. Struggling to make out dictation is giving me wicked headaches. I spend all day on a single dictation. But I don’t know what else to do, especially with all the money I’ve wasted on it. Finish and try to get a job? Call it for what it is and accept the financial loss, like I did three times with college? And if I do that… what then? My only skills are retail. I wouldn’t mind working at a porn shop again after I move; I’m not sure I want to do it full time, though. I keep getting the voice in the back of my head to craft and sell on Etsy, but I don’t know if I have the skill to make it a part-time job. It would have to wait until I move, no matter what, because I just don’t have the room here. And I desperately want to write, but right now picking up the pen just makes me feel so guilty. Why should I spend time doing something I enjoy when I’m broke, behind on bills, in a mountain of mess in my room that needs to be sorted and packed… It’s not depression. I’m just feeling overwhelmed and I don’t know where to start digging myself out.
The light at the end of the tunnel at the moment- dimmed though it may be by financial worries- is that I am moving. Sometime in June, though Dad and I haven’t sorted out specifics. He’s been stressed/busy with work, and I’ve been too… whatever it is that I am to want to bring it up.
In typical form, when I am overwhelmed with a list of important things to do, I have turned to the near-bottom of my priority list: I overhauled my mess of a religious calendar. Originally I had gone with all fixed dates on the Gregorian calendar, because I am a Bad Pagan (TM) who never knows what moon phase it is, and trying to finagle lunisolar calendars annoys me. However, having arbitrary fixed dates for a holiday based on where it tends to fall in a random decade annoys me more. So I now have two parts to my religious calendar- the fixed part, which thus far consists of 59 days (deity holidays, Beloved Dead remembrances and Revered Dead observances) and the moveable part, which at the moment consists of 21 days (cultural new year celebrations, deity holidays, Dead observances, Spirit observances, and Revered Dead observances). That does not include my two lists of possible holidays to add, fixed and moveable. It sounds like a lot- well, it is a lot- but none of them are arbitrary. I’m sticking with my “base” calendar for at least a full year, though, before anything gets added- I want to move from mindfulness and sporadic observance to mindfulness with prepared and planned observance for all of my extant dates before adding anything. As I keep reminding myself, there’s no rush. I’d rather take the time to do it right.
Now that that’s all out instead of rattling around in my brain, I think I’m going to try to get something cleaned/packed in this hellhole. I want to get something accomplished today besides watching the new Once Upon A Time episode (fucking finally! stupid hiatus).
21 April ’12
Hetharu, dance with me.
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[1] Light image: creator unknown, found on tumblr.
[2] Hetharu..: Me.
[3] Earth laughs image: Ashely Herrin.
PBP: H is also for Headcovering
Headcovering in a religious context is a topic that keeps popping up here and there for me, and it’s a subject I can’t quite let go of. To be perfectly honest, I can’t remember the first time I heard about headcovering by pagans, or what I thought of it. At any rate, it appeals to me now, and I’m trying to work out how to incorporate it.
I suspect when a lot of Americans think of headcovering and religion, they immediately think of the Muslim woman’s hijab, or the niqab (which is like a hijab but also covers the face except the eyes), or even the burqa, which looks to me like walking around under an opaque sheet with a rectangle of netting to look through (it looks unpleasantly warm, I have to say). While I think most Westerners associate these items with oppression, their true purpose is modesty and privacy. (That’s not to say that people don’t use these items to control, but manipulative people will use anything at their disposal to coerce and subdue others. Nothing is sacred.)
Next to come to mind for Americans would probably be the Jewish man’s yarmulke (aka kippah), the wimple and veil worn by some Christian nuns, or the bonnets worn by Amish/Mennonite women. Some might recognize the Muslim man’s taqiyah or the Jewish woman’s tichel (though as a New England suburbanite I’ve only ever seen the last three on television, never in person.) Some Americans might also recognize the mantilla or chapel veil, though I think they’re much more popular in Europe.
All of these examples are from Abrahamic religions. There are common themes: modesty, privacy, humility, and devotion to God. If I could dig up non-Abrahamic references (I have tried, but my Google-fu is failing me) I might find different themes, but who knows.
I think some people have difficulty reconciling some of those things with paganism. How can they claim modesty if they practice skyclad? How can they be devoted to a god/dess when they “use” them in ritual and spellwork? Others had an Abrahamic religion leave a bad taste in their mouths, and reject the idea that pagans should practice humility- why should they grovel in front of the gods? These are all based on false assumptions, though. Not everyone practices skyclad (I sure as hell don’t.) And just because one might not wear clothes in a special ritual setting doesn’t mean they don’t value their privacy in the rest of their life, and can’t be modest in public. Humility does not equal debasement of the self. And I know many devoted pagans who don’t “use” anyone, much less deities. Pagandom is a very large umbrella- so large it’s practically useless.
So, as a pagan who is interested in headcovering, where do I start?
The most important thing is purpose. Why do I want to wear a headcovering? In my case, I do not feel compelled by any entity. No one has requested it of me. My primary interest is still devotion, though; an outward sign of my devotion, a physical reminder of mindfulness. Could I accomplish this without veiling? Yes, I could.
Which leads me to: why even bother, if no one is prodding me to do so, and I could accomplish my goals in a different way? My answer to that is: I doubt I will cover on a daily basis. Especially since my desire to veil does not stem from a religious or cultural requirement for modesty or privacy. Most likely, I will cover on important holidays; a special action for an additional level of mindfulness.
The next thing is to decide how, precisely, I would want to cover. Replicating the headcovering of another religion is right out, obviously. While my privilege makes me twitch about anyone having a monopoly on the way a piece of fabric is worn, I can’t ignore that all of these headcoverings have years of history, tradition, and baggage from which they cannot be separated. To adopt them as a pagan is not only appropriative but misleading.
When I think of headcovering for myself, my mind goes one place: the Veiled Vestal by Raffaelle Monti. I would love to wear a simple dropped veil, about shoulder length or a little longer. However, this feels… not quite right for wearing out and about. I think a dropped veil is something I would reserve for ritual, or in a temple, or something similar. I think what I’ll end up doing is to wear something between a mantilla/chapel veil and a dupatta; a solid colored or sheer silk, about shoulder length, covering most of the hair but not tied like a kerchief. It is unusual enough for me to be aware of it through the day and maintain that ‘otherness’ of the holiday.
Do you wear any kind of religious headcovering? Why?
PBP: H is for Holes
(A few days late- I was in D.C.)
The first rule of holes is: when you find yourself in one, stop digging.
Depression is a funny thing, though. Well- you know what I mean.
I hate when people conflate sadness and depression. They are not the same, not by a long shot. When you’re sad, you can just sit and let the rain trickle down your nose and plaster your hair to the sides of your head and have a good cry. You can push your fingers through the dirt and angrily tear out clumps of grass. You can wallow and feel sorry for yourself, scratch out a little moat in the mud for the rainwater to trickle through.
But at some point the rain stops. At some point your clothes dry, the sun comes out and warms your cheeks. Your clothes and hands might be stained with grass streaks and dirt, but you can get up and wash your hands and change.
When you’re depressed… Sometimes the tears will come when it rains, and sometimes not. Sometimes they’ll come when it’s sunny. It’s too tiring to pull out the grass- hell, it’s too tiring to even think about it. You turn around and around and around in the same little spot, and you brush the dirt or mud away apathetically, and one day you realize that all that sitting in one spot, all that turning in circles, has worn you down into a hole. You can’t stand up- your body aches and aches, in every muscle and every joint- but even if you could the surface is too high to reach. You are cold and alone and filthy. All you have are four dirty walls and a dirty floor and a speck of sky so small and distant you’re not even sure it’s really there. You get far enough down and even the sunniest days don’t reach you. But the rain always does- the dirt walls run into mud and weigh you down, the water pools around your ankles and knees and waist and you’re sure if it keeps rising you’ll drown.
And honestly, at the bottom of a dark hole, with no hope of climbing your way out, no hope that the sun will dry the mud and warm your face, drowning is so much easier. It’s practically inevitable.
I’ve been sitting in that hole for years, waiting for the mud and the rain to swallow me whole. Medication helped- a little umbrella dropped down the hole, to keep the rain and the mud off my face. If you’re really lucky and nail down the right chemicals, the right dosage, you might get a few planks dropped down on your head, that you can hammer into the walls and climb your way out. It never stops being exhausting, though, and sometimes that medication stops working- the pointed edge just won’t push into the earth anymore. Maybe there’s too many roots, or rocks, or it’s just worn down from all the climbing.
And even if you get out, there is always the possibility that someday you will find myself at the bottom of another hole. Depression is not the chickenpox. You don’t get it once and then you’re safe. A steady dose of sunshine is no vaccine.
I am keeping my eyes trained on that patch of sky, but I am still in a hole. Medication brought me partway up, and now I am clinging to stray roots and gopher holes and protruding rocks. I have a fury in me- I am determined to see the sun, to sit on the grass. It is faith, now, that is keeping me going. The hope that if I keep pushing, the gods will sneak me a foothold where there wasn’t one before. That they will divert the mud so my fingers don’t slip. But I still have to do the climb myself.
I am going to get out. I have to believe that, because what other option do I have?
17 April ’12
Praise be to Dionysos, who revels.
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[1] Everyday image: Ashely Herrin.
[2] Praise..: Me.
[3] Madness image: creator unknown, image found on tumblr.
